So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
