The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
