i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
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I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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