Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
