Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
