Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
