Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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