this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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