Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
