Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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