I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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