In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
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just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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