Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
