im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
