Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize