there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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