I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
