lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
