You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
