the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
