What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
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Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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