i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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