thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
