he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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