okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
