i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
