Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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