My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
