I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
