here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
