i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
