Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
