So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
