I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
