Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
