There was a lot of him and a little penis
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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