Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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