i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
