I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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