hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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