I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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