insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
