You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
