I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
