I bet he comes in French.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
