i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
