I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
