My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just found a bag of teeth...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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