You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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