so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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