i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
