I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
