There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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