Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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