he was CRYING into my vagina
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
